REAL TALK WITH DANIELLE - On Personality Types

When I was studying psychology in college, I took the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. One of the “types” that this test indicates is whether a person leans more toward introversion or extraversion. For anyone who may not be familiar with these terms, let’s do a quick review:

Introversion is a quality that is associated with people who typically recharge their energy when they are alone. They tend to be “house cats” who enjoy things like a morning coffee on the porch and snuggling under the covers with a good book. Introverts tend to take time to process their thoughts and form an idea before sharing.

Extraversion is associated with people who are energized by their interactions with other people. They enjoy going out to parties or participating in group projects. They tend to process their thoughts by sharing with the group as their ideas are forming.

*Just to note, the above does not apply to every introvert or extrovert. This is just a general idea.*

Anyways, back to college. The Myers Briggs indicated that I was an extrovert. I was a wee lass at NYU doing my city girl thing. At the time, the idea that I was an extrovert made sense. I was almost always out of my dorm room at parties, going to rehearsals, or going to class. Even inside my dorm, I was rarely alone because my best friend lived in the same suite, and a small group of us went out at midnight for a slice of pizza every night. I was also meeting new people all the time because NYU is a huge school inside a huge city.

Fast forward to my mental health counseling masters at BU. I took the Myers Briggs again, but this time my result was introversion. Now, BU is also a huge school in a sizable city, and I was making a lot of friends in school and the music scene. But l felt like a completely different person. I was in a long-term relationship for the first time. I was writing songs on a regular basis, which meant a lot of time spent alone in my room. I was also tired as fuck after I went out. (My body was not handling alcohol the same as it used to.) 

So why does this matter, right? I was an extrovert and now I’m an introvert. BFD. Okay, but I think this is important because, as a culture, I notice that we often put a lot of stock into these terms. And although it’s really cool that introverts are being recognized as something other than social mavericks, it’s also really just a context clue to understanding ourselves and others rather than a defining factor. No one is completely one or the other, and it’s changeable over time.

For example, I lean pretty heavily towards introversion. If the choices are going out or staying in, I’m usually staying in. But that doesn’t mean I never enjoy socializing. In fact, I often feel anxious that I haven’t spent enough time with my friends, especially one on one time. And when the group is larger than about 3 people, I completely change my social dynamic. I revert back to old “life of the party” habits (which, by the way, has been much harder to navigate since I stopped drinking alcohol). My brain tells me, “Start conversations! Be funny! Let your freak flag fly!”

If I’m not doing these things, it’s because doing those things has tired me out. Instead, I’m doing the opposite. I’m staring into space or I appear withdrawn. These are blaring signals that I’m in an introversion or self-care deficit. This is especially obvious in my case if I’m not curious about whoever I’m talking to. I’ll even find reasons to walk away from conversations.

Another side to my experience is that I spend a lot of time holding space for other people. Not just as a therapist, but I’m also naturally curious about other people’s lives and I enjoy getting into the nitty gritty details. But what I’ve learned from turning that skill into my day job, is that too much of these types of interactions is emotionally taxing. People used to say to me all the time “You’re such a good listener” and I would think, “It’s not that hard to listen to people. We all have ears.” It wasn’t until I was doing this full-time that I realized I have a very high bandwidth for listening to other people before I get tired. But there absolutely is a limit for me, as there is for everyone, and knowing where the line is has become crucial to feeling okay.

This line has been especially helpful for me to be aware of on vacations. Vacations are great indicators of where people may land on the introvert/extrovert scale. Intensely extroverted people typically want to be together for the full vacation. Knock on your door in the morning until snuggling before bedtime type of togetherness. Extreme introverts need alone time more than anything on vacation. In fact, quiet time to relax is the definition of vacation. Almost everyone falls somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. For myself, I like to plan 1 thing to do each day on my vacation, but everything else is flexible.

Knowing where you might land on the spectrum can be very liberating. Like, wow! There’s a reason you don’t enjoy staying at parties for more than an hour. Or there’s a reason you’re the friend who can party all night and be ready for Sunday Funday brunch the next morning. But the trap is putting yourself into a box because of it. For example, I lean toward staying at home or working on a solo project, but I know that maintaining strong friendships means going out with friends. I have introverted qualities as well as extroverted ones.

There is also a term called “ambivert”, which is somewhere in the middle. Susan Cain is the author of the book, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking” She notes that one third to one half of the population is made up of introverts. She also writes that when people are asked to self-identify, about 40% call themselves introverts, 20% ambiverts, and 40% extroverts. But my point is that we get so fixated on these labels and we stop seeing people as just people. The label often becomes a “reason” why people behave the way that they do. This might be seen as a non-issue, but it is a soft example of other labels that become reasons for behavior. (E.g. “because she’s Jewish, because he’s Black, because she has an eating disorder, because he’s gay). I’ve noticed that we as a culture have become less careful with how we talk about each other and it can be damaging when we organize people into categories without being on the same page about how we’re defining those categories.

But there’s a way to talk about these things without falling into the trap of categorizing people. For friends, this might sound like saying, “Jill likes going to bed early, instead of Jill always leaves the party early because she’s an introvert”. For mental health providers, it sounds like “Jill likes going to bed early, instead of Jill is withdrawn, isolated, and has introverted tendencies.” Honestly, it’s about just saying what the person is actually, literally doing rather than putting a label on it. And some of that means getting curious when you don’t know why someone behaves the way they do. You may not have known why Jill leaves the party early, but if you ask, maybe you’ll find out she goes to 6 AM yoga, and maybe she’ll invite you to class! Psychology terms have become really popularized in the last twenty years and it’s a gift and a curse. We now have a name for certain behaviors but we lack the language to talk about it in a way that is respectful to each other.

All in all, there are a few key points I’m getting at:

1.  No one is either introverted or extroverted all the time. It’s a spectrum. It can be freeing to put a name to your lifestyle preferences, but it can also box you in.

2. Introversion and extraversion are “ways of being” but they are not a catch-all reason for a person’s behavior. Just like race, gender, age, sexual orientation, etc is not an all encompassing reason for specific behaviors.

3. There is a way to talk about people without using shortcut labels such as introversion or extraversion. “Jill likes going to bed early so she can get to her 6 AM yoga class” is completely non-judgmental compared to “Jill left the party early because she’s an introvert”.

Hopefully this is enlightening or helpful in some way, but if nothing else, this helped me to organize it in my brain. It can certainly eat at me when I’m home alone anxious that I’m not socializing enough or worried I’m not meeting some kind of societal expectations. It can also be tough to leave parties when I hit my limit for social engagement because I don’t want to be “not fun” or “not cool” or “the introvert”. But there’s also part of me that has started to own my truth. I’m an introvert and I’m also a person who needs a lot of downtime, sleep, and coffee with chocolate. If I take my time and show up late to the party or if I leave the party once I hit my people limit, then I’m doing what I need to do to take care of myself. If there is any takeaway from this blog, I hope it is this nugget: Introvert or extrovert - the labels don’t matter. Do what you need to do to give yourself energy and take care of yourself, and hold hope that others will do the same.

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