REAL TALK WITH DANIELLE - On Sobriety

I’ve been sober for about a year. Sobriety means something different to everyone, so to be clear, I haven’t been drinking alcohol for a year. (I don’t smoke weed either, but that’s another blog). I don’t know what the actual date was, but I stopped about a month after my friend did. I had already been weaning off and when he decided to take the plunge, I thought, why not?  

So here’s the thing - I didn’t stop drinking because alcohol was a problem. I was drinking maybe 3 or 4 times a week, usually a glass of wine. There wasn’t any impulsive decision making or drinking myself into oblivion. But I still noticed that it was making me feel shitty. My stomach wasn’t digesting the alcohol like it used to. It either went straight through me or stopped the machine altogether. I also felt less of the stress relief that it used to bring and more of the “depressant” effect.

Stopping drinking was not very hard at first. I quickly felt clearer in my mind and healthier in my body. But I noticed during this summer that I was craving alcohol more. Especially while I was producing and directing a musical. That was very stressful and I think that I was hoping for some liquid relief. Although the cravings have subsided somewhat since then, they haven’t completely gone away. I still go out to dinner and think, “Damn, wine sounds so good right now.” I really miss the taste of most of the drinks I used to have, as well as how certain drinks pair with certain dishes. Having this inner conflict, I went to the internet for support.

Stephanie Dankelson is a Body and Self Acceptance Coach. She posted on Instagram about her experience drinking for the first time after two years of sobriety. She discussed feeling a strong sense of guilt after the first beer, and she very thoughtfully described working through this feeling. She realized that what had once been a choice to stop drinking had slowly and unintentionally become a self-imposed rule that she must not drink.

I relate to this so much. At first, I chose to stop drinking as a lifestyle change. I wanted to improve my mood and stop being such a dick to my digestive system. This totally worked for me at the time! But not drinking alcohol comes with a lot of questions about why you chose to stop. I think I made up stories in my head that I was doing it to be a better person or doing it out of solidarity for my friend. Not drinking also comes with a lot of affirmations. “Good for you!” “I couldn’t do it.” And it’s easy to slip into thinking that you’re making “stronger” life choices than people who drink alcohol. My absolute favorite quote comes from a tweet by @jaboukie who called it “raw dogging reality.” Which is cringe-worthy, hysterical, and validating all at the same time.

But the truth is, I don’t feel like I’m a better or worse person because I don’t drink alcohol. I feel like my digestive system still appreciates it and my mood overall has been less depressed. But I miss going out to drinks with friends. I think this year has been a great learning opportunity for what it’s like not to drink, but the fact is, for me, having a glass of wine with a friend is just nice. Pairing a margarita with any Mexican food is just nice. I don’t want to deny myself this simple pleasure due to thinking I’ve broken some rule that I’ve made up for myself.

I’m also interested to see how this changes my drinking in general. Prior to stopping, I always had a drink if I was at a restaurant or friends house out of habit. Now, I don’t know if this will be the case. I don’t necessarily think I will always want a drink, but I think it will be nice to have the option. One thing I can predict is feeling pressure to buy a drink because the person I’m with is drinking. I think it will be important to be mindful of whether I’m drinking because of societal pressure or because I personally just want it in that moment.

So when’s the first sip? Well, still not for a while. There is one other thing that has been a major benefit of not drinking. My bank account is living its best life. So much so that I have some upcoming plans that will make the wait worth it (again, another blog). For now, I’m staying off the sauce. I’m giving myself more time to prepare for when I do start drinking again, and setting up intentions that will make it a positive experience. Maybe I’ll choose to start drinking again for a month and take some time to reflect on whether I want to continue. Or maybe I’ll game plan for when I have a setback and have some really bad stomach pain or feel a little depressed. I think the phrase “everything in moderation” really applies here. And I don’t want it to be something that I do without giving it a lot of thought. Because in the end, I don’t want to drink the way I used to. I want to choose to drink during the times when it’s just nice.

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Holding someone else’s drink at Disney to get the right “effect”