I can already tell this blog is going to be one of the hardest ones to write because I’m starting a week early. I’m simultaneously very eager and very apprehensive about writing it.

In June, I got married to my incredible husband, Terrance, and it was a very non-traditional wedding. The short version is that our best friend married us at beautiful Jamaica Pond in Boston and then the 3 of us went to Six Flags. For an in-depth look, see On Marriage Part 1 .

But there’s more to the story! People in my generation seem to be bucking tradition more than ever and our wedding was no exception. This weekend, Terrance and I invited our friends to partake in a commitment ceremony.

But, Danielle, what’s a commitment ceremony? And why did you need that if you’re already married?

A commitment ceremony is exactly what it sounds like: Committing to each other without the legal part. Even though we are already married, we wanted a shared experience with our friends. Ever done a Friendsgiving? Well, this was a Friendwedding.

I’m just going to pause here to acknowledge that I’m terrified that a lot of people who read the last paragraph are now either pissed or upset with me because they weren’t invited.

Here’s the part I regret: I kept this a secret because I was worried about people’s responses. I should have just told people what I was doing in the first place because hiding it was not in alignment with my goals of being open and vulnerable. If you’re reading this and you’re hurt because I kept it from you, I’m sorry that I did it. And if you want to talk more about that, we should.

Here’s the part that I don’t regret: I did it the way I wanted to because it was my wedding and how it would happen was up to nobody but Terrance and me. If you want to talk about why I didn’t invite you or why I didn’t do it how you would have preferred it, I will not have that conversation. If you are confused or hurt by this, please read Part 1.

I may have just lost half my audience, but if you’re still with me, allow me the pleasure of taking you on the magical journey that was this weekend. This was the best wedding that has ever happened (completely unbiased, of course). It’s not often that I feel such a powerful wave of joy wash over me. We rented an Airbnb that could comfortably fit 18 people. And boy did this place deliver. We wound up staying at a Villa in beautiful Manchester-by-the-Sea. I’ve never been in a house (nay, mansion) this large - it had freaking servant quarters! It was built in the early 1900’s as a wedding gift. (Which felt like pretty good juju). Our friends traveled from all over the United States to spend the weekend. To be honest, I was nervous. All different parts of my life were coming together and I wanted everyone to enjoy themselves. At the end of the weekend, my friends admitted that they were having similar concerns about meeting so many new people, but within minutes of showing up, they were making friends that they genuinely liked and ended up having a great time with!

This whole weekend is kind of hard to describe. I noticed early on that the thread which ties our friends together is that all of them are really open, curious people. Any time I have been around a large group such as this in my life, a kind of magic happens that brings out the best in people. At any given moment, people were either getting to know each other, cooking a meal, or playing music together.

The weekend had a mixture of structure and flexibility. Our first ice breaker was musical chairs. But everyone had to dance the whole time. Also if someone lost, they had to say something about themselves. We also had a rap battle of sorts. Except it was teams and you could sing any song you wanted. The rule was that it had to include a word that was called at the beginning of each round. So, for example, if I said “BLUE” - Team One might sing “BLUE JEAN BABY...” and eam Two might follow up with “BLUE SKIES SMILING ON ME” and so on until one team lost and the other got a point. V competitive. V fun.

Saturday was our ceremony on the beach. I’m normally terrible at delegating tasks and my friends know this, so they gently guided me into delegating a “hair and make up crew”. (Shout out to Janette and Suki who made me look cute af) Also, 3 of my friends happen to be photographers and the pics they have sent so far are amazing! Our crew went down to the beach and got everything done while a rainstorm was approaching. Terrance said his vows. I read my latest novel. And then we did community vows.

If you haven’t heard of community vows, they are a great idea for small weddings. This entire weekend was about bringing together our chosen family AKA people who we love and who make up a huge part of our support system. It was just as important to us that we shared this with them as it was to share it with each other. Normally, community vows involve the bride and groom asking each guest if they vow to do such and such. Then, if the guest agrees, they take a shot. Terrance and I have been sober for a year so we gave everyone cupcakes with a candle to blow out instead (it seemed festive!) We also were going to give our sugar-free, vegan friends a banana with a candle sticking out of it, but we forgot. We also didn’t end up lighting candles because the wind was blowing really hard. Whatever, it was still cute. Here is an example of one of the vows:

A.A. & B.K. - We are so inspired by your commitment to understanding and supporting each other. You both are so kind in your approach and we love getting into real shit with you because you always bring a great perspective. Do you vow to always keep it real with us and also teach us your delicious vegan alternative foods?

After the ceremony, we sent everyone on an EPIC scavenger hunt to Saugus, Massachusetts! If you haven’t been there, it is just one long, ugly ass road outside of Boston. But there are TONS of weird, fun things to take pictures in front of. Some of my favorites are posted below.

Following that, we held an event created by our friends, called “Sing For Your Supper”. There’s only one rule: if you want to eat, you have to perform. We asked everyone to perform something meaningful and people ACCEPTED THE CHALLENGE. Our friends sang beautiful songs, wrote gorgeous poems, and shared their thoughts on love with us. I cried basically the whole time.

The next day was very chill. As people departed, we were down to five. A fabulous and tired five. Some of our friends went to explore Salem. I explored chilling on the couch. My friends discovered how to practice witchcraft. I discovered I’m an expert at lounging after a huge ass party.

We all ended up playing What Do You Meme at the end of the night. If you haven’t played, it’s an incredible knock off version of Apples to Apples. We also learned that one of our friends started reading Tarot cards and another of our friends reads sun signs! So all of our problems got solved that night too!

It was hands down the most bitchin’ weekend of my life. But I don’t feel like the activities or the location are what made it so incredible. When I say that my friends are my chosen family, I mean that I treat my close friends as if they are real family. Because my friends choose to be kind and vulnerable with me at all times. There’s no social expectations or judgment. And it’s so freeing to be around them. When I think about this weekend in snapshots, what I remember is this:

My friend from high school went on a morning walk with me around a nearby track field while we sipped our coffees (which she doesn’t even drink!) and talked about whether or not I would keep this weekend a secret. My friend from college sat outside with me and said that she spent so much of the weekend crying (happy tears) because of how beautiful each moment was made by everyone being their vulnerable selves. Another friend taught me how to roll out a pie crust, and that friend’s prodigy daughter let me play moderately passable drums during her original song. Another friend sat on the patio with me and literally read through two of my blogs and gave me some much needed validation. I could go on for a long time.

Reading through this, I almost feel like I’m making shit up, but I promise I’m not. This was probably one of the most fantasy-book weekends I’ll ever have, and I am so glad we did it. Sure, there were some moments where I felt anxious about keeping the secret. But the reason for this is because I had such a negative experience getting ready for my first wedding in terms of people offloading their judgment and expectations onto me. I’m internally preparing for that to happen again, but at least now I’m feeling really happy and confident in my choices, and I don’t have any doubts that I made a wrong decision. I’m thrilled that I got a chance to get married (again) and share my experience with people in my life who I love. I’m so grateful for these people who understand and accept Terrance and I, and I hope to continue spending my time with people like this for the rest of my life. I wrote it in a song, but I’ll write it here too:

Everyone’s got best intentions

I don’t even need to mention

Family has their own perceptions

Do it your way, no exceptions

Want more blog-y goodness? Tips and tricks for travel? Insight into mental health conundrums? Shared experiences in creativity and artistic expression? Scroll to the very bottom and subscribe!