REAL TALK WITH DANIELLE - The Week Before Traveling Around The World
/And we’re off!
I’m writing this Real Talk blog after waking up from a 4 hour nap on a flight from Boston to LAX. (Only 2 hours to go!) Many of you have been asking how we’ve been doing in the lead up to this trip, and the week was surprisingly stressful. I want to write about the emotions we have experienced, as well as the types of things we did to prepare for this trip. Some of the things I’m sharing are hard to talk about because it’s not a pretty side of the relationship. But I’m talking about what happened because all relationships have ups and downs, and I think it’s stuff that a lot of us really don’t feel comfortable sharing or don’t have language to talk about. But I don’t want to adhere to a cultural norm where everything is supposed to be perfect all the time, and I think it’s really important to accept and recognize that the hard stuff is just as important as the easy stuff. So let’s dive in.
This was one of those weeks where the pressure put on our relationship brought out the best and worst in us. The lows have been pretty awful fights. Terrance has fairly limited travel experience, and I’m a bit of a travel junkie. Not remembering those two things led to a lot of arguments. A lot of these fights were a result of miscommunications and a lack of setting expectations (shocking, I know). But I assumed Terrance had a lot more understanding of travel preparation than he does, which made me really angry when he forgot certain steps during the process. This brought me into “micromanager mode” which didn’t help things because Terrance withdrew and stopped communicating because he didn’t want to say the wrong thing. But him not communicating escalated my anger. Then Terrance’s anger escalated because I was angry at him. Then we yelled at each other because he “wasn’t as committed to this trip as me” or I “was expecting too much of him”. Then we had a cooling off period. But (and here is why I feel so lucky to be married to Terrance) we always came back together to resolve the conflict.
Through having five or six fights like this, I finally realized that I had an underlying belief which was that Terrance resented me for making us go on this trip together. That he would much rather stay home and progress his music career. So I brought this up, and he told me truthfully that he does not feel resentment at all. He just didn’t know what the fuck he was doing and didn’t want to seem like an idiot. Terrance also had a story he was making up, which was that I was really anxious and he didn’t want to ask dumb questions that would elevate my anxiety. I was able to tell him that this had some truth to it, because I do struggle with anxiety. But that wasn’t the overall picture, I mostly just know from experience that a lot of things need to get done before a huge trip like this one, and I was spending all my time checking off those boxes. And a huge part of doing that means that I need him to ask questions if he is struggling because otherwise I won’t know what he needs help with.
Once we talked we were able to do a few very important things:
1. Cry it out.
2. Apologize to each other.
3. Reset our expectations.
I made an agenda for the full week of things that needed to get done. I did this to help Terrance get oriented to what was left to do if he finished a task. This also meant that he wasn’t completely dependent on me for what to do next. I also started talking to Terrance about what to expect while traveling. Things he didn’t know, like: hostels don’t usually offer complimentary shower supplies, but they do offer free breakfasts.
Terrance started communicating more and asking questions based on the agenda items. He really made sure he knew what to do before he did it. The increase in our ability to communicate with each other made it so much easier to do the work together. It also really helped us talk about our feelings about the trip with each other. This week was really taxing - we were both full of fear, anxiety, excitement, and exhaustion. The ability to be there for each other emotionally was a huge support. The open communication allowed for vulnerability which meant that we were able to overcome this enormous conflict, showing a huge sign of strength in the relationship. We were also able to share a lot of moments of love and gratitude about going on the trip together.
Below is a list of work we got done. It’s based on a lot of time researching what to get sorted before long-term travel, as well as just my general anxiety around having enough money for this trip.
Extending our tax deadline: We will be away from December to June. We both worked full-time jobs, and I worked as an outside contractor as a music teacher in 2019. There is a cut off for how much money you should have earned in order to file quarterly taxes as an outside contractor. I just missed that cutoff, so I don’t have to pay taxes until the end of the year, woo! And we have to extend our tax deadline, which we can’t do until January, so we have reminders in our phone to extend during that month.
Automobile excise tax: We had to check this out because Taxachusetts has an excise tax for vehicle owners. We put reminders in our phone to check the website for what our bill will be.
Transferring my 403(b) into an IRS: After 3 hours on the phone between my old and new account holders, as well as getting a document notarized, this maybe possibly potentially is done. I am crossing my fingers that it is!
Banking: We submitted travel notifications with our banks so we can withdraw currency in other countries. We won’t need US dollars while we travel, so we put our coins into one of those machines that eats it and gives you the value to deposit. We also deposited the cash we earned from selling items on Facebook Marketplace.
Selling everything we can: We were able to sell about $1500 worth of items from our little 1 bedroom. We sold as many books, clothes, and household items as we could. Most of that money came from selling clothes on Poshmark and selling our household items through Facebook Marketplace. In fact, I sold so many clothes on Poshmark that I received “Posh Ambassador status”, which is something I’m equally embarrassed about and proud of.
Donating what we couldn’t sell: We were able to sell about half of our clothes and donate the other half. We also donated household goods, like paper towels, canned foods, tissue paper, toilet paper...
Storing our belongings: This was by far the hardest thing we had to do. We rented a 10’x5’x10’ storage unit. Moving things to this unit took a total of four carloads. The most difficult thing was moving our mattress. Looking back, we should have rented a UHaul, but at the time we thought it would fit into our friend’s car. But we got creative and roped the mattress and box spring on top of one of the cars! Huge shout out to our friends for helping us move and letting us use their cars! We also stored a couple important personal items (my Kitchenaid) with friends, and some more boxes with my grandparents. Frankly, this has been such a team effort and I can’t express enough gratitude for how much support our friends and family have given us. This took a village.
Seeing our friends: We were able to see many of our good friends just about every night last week. Honestly, after spending most of the days going crazy with packing and preparation, it was so nice to visit and just spend time with the people we love and will miss when we’re away. We also were not able to see everyone we wanted to make plans with, which was a bummer. But the outpouring of support from people every day has been so beautiful and humbling, so thank you to everyone who has reached out!
Buying prescription sunglasses: We realized we had money leftover on our pre-tax FSA card and ordered prescription sunglasses. Mine are arriving at a friend’s house in Boston as I write this sentence because the company who sent them didn’t send them in the time frame they originally set. So Terrance has some really cool prescription sunglasses for New Zealand. And I will hopefully see mine in Australia because we have dope friends who are sending them to our first housesitting gig.
Doctor’s Visits: Before leaving, I got checked out by a dentist, dermatologist, and podiatrist because of some medical issues I had this year. Pain in the ass, but worth it to know I’m leaving with a clean bill of health.
Medications: We were given medications for malaria and travel diarrhea. Our doctor made a point to let us know that, statistically, one of us will get travel diarrhea in these six months (if not both of us). Cool, can’t wait.
Vaccinations: So many needles. Here is the list:
· Hep A
· Hep B
· Typhoid
· Yellow Fever
· Japanese Encephalitis
Regaining our passports and vaccinations: One of the boxes we left at my grandparents was labeled “Important Documents” and we were so busy organizing documents into the correct piles that we only realized that we left our passports and vaccinations after we had driven back from Thanksgiving. My ROCK STAR grandparents sent us the passports overnight, and we drove to our doctor’s offices to get a list of the vaccinations we received for the trip.
Copying our IDs: Glad we have these in case anything scary happens! Moving swiftly to another less anxiety-provoking topic...
Creating a list of important info for each country: This included entry requirements for each country and info of the United States embassy in each country. Almost all countries require at least a passport and visa when you travel from the United States (Europe is the main exception to the visa rule). But a lot of countries also require proof of vaccinations, a bank statement to show you can afford to be there, and an onward ticket to show that you plan on leaving. I’ve been through border controls that have asked for all of these, so it’s really important to bring these documents along. The CDC website tells you all of the requirements for each country.
Cancelling utilities: Terrance cancelled everything, which took a lot of phone calls. Thx boo!
Cleaning the apartment: We spackled and sanded the walls, cleaned the surfaces, and vacuumed the carpets. We turned in our keys, and holy shit, I hope we get our safety deposit back because nothing encourages me to travel like knowing I have some money to pay for it.
Besides this, there were a bunch of small chores to finish. Picking up my last check from work. Picking up spackle from the store. Doing the laundry. Overall, it was a huge amount to get done in the week after Thanksgiving, but we got it done, and I feel like such a boss for doing it! I’m so glad to be done with prep week, and on this flight right now with just my backpack and Terrance sitting here with me. I don’t need anything else. I don’t want anything else. We’re staying overnight with a friend in LA and then it’s off to our first stop: Auckland, New Zealand!
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