REAL TALK WITH DANIELLE - Why TV and Movies Screw Up Our Relationships

This has been on my mind for a long time. Being part of the arts and the mental health industry sometimes works in direct conflict, and this is one of those special times. Imagine this with me...

You’re watching a movie, a rom com perhaps, and how does the plot go?

Boy meets girl, boy dates girl, boy and girl argue over some situation that is “conceivably out of their control”, boy and girl miraculously work through their problems, movie ends with a wedding.

 We have all seen this play out a billion times, right? So let’s zero in on that “conceivably out of their control” part...

Usually, this is the part of the movie where my inner therapist starts to gag. Why? Because a predictable break up based on an inability to communicate occurs every. fucking. time.

Here are some examples off the top of my head:

Gilmore Girls: Luke finds out he has a daughter, and inexplicably hides this information from Lorelai, the woman he has told everything to for 20 odd years. Lorelai finds out and rather than talking to him about how she feels, she says nothing, thinking that she will be a “good girlfriend” by “not pushing him”. Then she gets fed up because he doesn’t read her mind and know that she is upset, so she presents an ultimatum between herself and Luke’s daughter. He chooses his daughter and she dramatically exits.

Crazy Rich Asians: Rachel has been dating Nick (who comes from extreme wealth in Singapore) for a year. Nick, who hasn’t said a word about his family in the entire year that they have been dating, takes her on a private jet to meet his family. Nick’s mother rejects Rachel as being common trash. Nick doesn’t do jack shit to rectify the situation. Rachel, however, moves heaven and earth to gain Nick’s mother’s respect. And even though, after two hours of watching Nick be a useless pushover and Rachel be an absolute saint, she forgives him for how difficult things have been, and he continues to get a green light on having no communication skills and no spine, which ends in a happy wedding scene.

As an artist, I completely get it. The audience loves high stakes! Drama! Escapism! But I’m so B O R E D. I’m equally as over the idea that a couple can sustain themselves on having zero communication skills, as I am angry because I see this play over and over again in the real world. I can’t even tell you the number of times I have been sitting with a client, friend, or family member who is telling me about their relationship issues, and after asking “Did you tell them how you’re feeling?” The answer is almost always “No.”  

Here is the real talk advice you always wanted that your therapist probably won’t tell you:

If you’re having problems with the person you’re in a relationship with, you have to talk to them about it. No dramatic exits, no yelling at them, no being passive aggressive, no attitude. Swallow your pride, admit that you were wrong (EVEN IF THE OTHER PERSON IS ALSO WRONG), apologize, and make up. This is the art of valuing your relationship over your ego.

If you can’t do this in the short-term because you’ll explode, then you need to take a minute. Don’t be around the other person. It’s not healthy. Watch TV in the other room. Go for a run. Do something to cool yourself down so you don’t take it out on the other person.  

If you can’t do this in the long-term, you need to figure out what is happening inside that’s stopping you from doing it. Because not communicating to your partner IS communicating to your partner. Over time, it indicates to your partner that your pride is more important than your commitment to the relationship. People who value themselves can sense this, and they won’t stick around.

Also hold your partner accountable for doing these things! If they can’t talk in the short-term, tell them you need space. If they can’t give you space, that’s a red flag. If they can’t talk ever, and you are spending your time trying to make things work over and over again, then this person probably doesn’t know how to communicate and on some level doesn’t want to learn.

This all sounds pretty black and white, and I’m actively angry at the movie industry which is why I’m being so short. But I concede that this is probably one of the hardest things in the world to do. I have been working on this for years and I still have a long way to go. The point I’m making is not that we have to do all these things perfectly or reach the gold standard of communication. The point is that in healthy relationships both people are actively trying to deal with conflict resolution in this manner.

Most people either fight or retreat when it comes to conflict. The fighters love to dig their heels in, and push buttons, and say the things that they can’t take back. The retreaters love a dramatic exit, just before hiding under their covers for 24 hours pretending it doesn’t exist, and hoping it goes away. Has this ever worked, though? No! So figure out how you fight and actively work against your natural default setting.

I am a retreater. I am proud to say I am one year sober from my “hiding under the covers” habit. I have tried to swing the opposite way and become a fighter, but it’s just not in my bones. How did I stop hiding under the covers? I started asking for space while fighting. My husband needs reassurance that I’m going to come back to the conversation (AKA reassurance that I don’t want to divorce him). This is really hard in the moment, because I damn well don’t want someone I’m fighting with to feel reassured. That seams weak. But I do it because if we can both take space, then we both know we will come back to the conversation with clearer heads, and not just be out for blood.

The film industry makes billions of dollars modeling these absolute trash conversations, and even if you think you’re immune, trust me, you are not. This stuff gets in our heads, and it translates to all of our conversations. We all want to be the person who receives a vulnerable, heartfelt apology. We all think it’s so brave when we see someone who is actually able to do it. But when it comes time to step up and be the person who makes the apology, we don’t want to look weak. But it’s a sign of strength to make an apology. It’s a sign of strength to own that you can make mistakes. It’s a sign of strength to admit that you are a fallible human. And if anyone faults you for these things, it’s a reflection of their insecurities - not a reflection of your character.

Nobody wants to feel alone, and I can tell you from my experience as a therapist, it is one of the top things that people struggle with. Learning how to effectively communicate highly increases the likelihood that you will be able to maintain healthy, positive relationships. No one is perfect. Let’s stop acting like we are, and start valuing our relationships more than our egos. Meaningful connections, romantic or not, are the most important things in our lives.

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