REAL TALK WITH DANIELLE - Abusive Family Members and The Holidays

Friends, it finally happened. A phone call from a family member intended to make me feel bad about my recent wedding. I want to talk about this because between myself and my own friends, there are a lot of us out here who are going into Thanksgiving yet again with emotional armor this year. If this is not you, consider yourself lucky, and please keep reading:

Terrance and I were married officially in June by our best friend at Six Flags. While figuring out how to convey this to my family, we decided that an upcoming small family gathering would make the most sense. We were very thoughtful about planning this. We knew it would be hard news, but we thought it was best said in person and not over the phone. We also assumed that having a few family members there together to discuss it would be the healthiest way to open up that uncomfortable conversation.

We told them we were not into the idea of having a huge celebration and, for us, thought it would be more special to celebrate with them one on one. Which is exactly what we did - we had a couple of weekends where we were able to celebrate with my dad and my grandparents. We had some open conversations about how it felt painful to be excluded from the actual wedding day, but we were able to talk about those feelings, and acknowledged how hard it must be. My dad and grandparents were also very supportive that we needed to do the wedding that was right for us.

But directly after we announced this, here’s what happened - nobody talked about it. People moved on to a new conversation that I don’t even remember because I was in such shock that my family ignored what we said altogether.

Flash forward to last night. One person from that gathering texted me asking to see how I’m doing because we hadn’t talked since that night. For context, I was not thinking about my wedding in relationship to this person because I had done all of the repair work that I had planned to do with my dad and my grandparents. I see this person maybe twice a year on holidays. In sum, not a family member who I feel very close with or who I thought would have a deep investment in my wedding plans. So seeing that text from them made me think, “Hm, that’s weird, they don’t normally call to catch up, but maybe they just want to see how I’m doing.”

I was with Terrance that night and I picked up the phone letting them know he was with me on speaker phone. We made small talk for 10 minutes, asking about the various things we were getting involved in, after which, they made the following statements:

“So I’m calling because I wanted to talk to you about how you announced your wedding plans.”

My inner thoughts: “Oh, shit, here we go.”

What I actually said: “Okay, what do you want to talk about?”

“It seemed kind of strange that you would announce it that way in my house at my dinner table in front of my friends.”

My inner thoughts: “Okay, so this is a status thing. They’re mad because I embarrassed them in front of their friends.”

What I actually said: “Yeah, well I can understand if it was uncomfortable for you...”

“I hope you know that what you did wasn’t just fine. Do you know that it caused your grandparents pain?”

My inner thoughts: “Are we talking about my grandparent’s pain or your pain?”

Terrance jumped in: “Yes. And I realize I don’t have the family history you guys do, but we spoke to them, and if they have more to say, shouldn’t they be telling us that themselves?”

“Let me tell you something Terrance, that is so unfair for you to say because you don’t know anything about my family or my family history. My parents don’t handle confrontation well, and I called Danielle expecting only to speak to her, but instead I got the both of you on speaker.”

My inner thoughts: “Fuck you, don’t snap at my husband like that.”

What I actually said: “But I agree with Terrance. We spoke to grandma and grandpa about that pain in a very open dialogue, and we’ve worked through it together, and they’ve been extremely supportive the past few months.”

“Well I didn’t know that. I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel when I found out that my parents and my brother were not invited to your wedding. We didn’t know if you were going to be taken away from us...”

I won’t even try to recall more details because that last line was SO absurd that I didn’t even want to justify it with an explanation. Eventually I recognized what they were saying (without saying it)... they were feeling hurt about being excluded from the wedding. I empathized that it was definitely a painful thing to find out. I said I was sorry for causing that pain, but I also had to do my wedding in a way that felt right for me. Which, to their credit, they acknowledged was true. They did validate that I needed to do the wedding in whatever way felt right, but still wanted to discuss this before they saw me at Thanksgiving. We talked a little more and ended the conversation from there.

If you’re reading this and thinking, holy shit, Danielle let that go easily... YES I FUCKING DID.

Because, frankly, I have been translating the language of judgment and expectation into what this person actually means for such a long time that I’m able to mentally bypass the garbage and get to what they’re actually fucking trying to say.

However, there was one thing that I couldn’t let go of and circled back to. The comment made to Terrance was frankly shocking, and I wasn’t ready for it when it happened. I should have said something in the moment along the lines of “Don’t talk to my husband like that.” But I was so shocked that I literally thought, “This isn’t even worth addressing because they will never understand.”

But here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter if they understand or not. They will continue to make these phone calls and bully us if I don’t make it clear that it’s intolerable. It was so important that this happened so I could realize that I’m not a little kid anymore who has to just take it.

The story I’m making up is that this is an adult in my life who can have a lot of influence on my decisions or behaviors. I used to see them as a positive family member who talked to me and fed me and was generally kind to me. But since I moved to Boston, they have called 3 times to try to tell me how to live my life in regards to maintaining a relationship with their ex, not attending a family function that was planned on my birthday, and now about how I planned my wedding.

So I called back and left a voicemail saying I’d appreciate an apology to Terrance because “in the same way that I don’t want them to feel excluded and hurt because they weren’t invited to my wedding, I don’t want him to feel excluded and hurt because he doesn’t feel like he’s part of the family.” And guys, this was the text response:

“Please pass along to Terrence that I did not mean to hurt his feelings, and I apologize. I’m not interested in processing this more.”

To which, I said:

I’ll pass along the message but I’d really appreciate it if you can say it to him. I hear that you’re not interested in processing, but he’s part of the family now, and I think apologizing to him shows him that you recognize that.

And I haven’t heard back.

...Okay, so why the fuck am I talking about this in such detail. Guys, I know others of you are out there who deal with this kind of thing all the time. I know there are many of you who are like me, and don’t enjoy the holidays because your family members do something similar to this.

This isn’t okay behavior and the way a family member chooses to respond says everything about them and nothing about me. But for me, setting strong boundaries was the absolute right thing to do. Normally I would have not said anything and walked away from the situation. Hell, I am walking away from a lot of the statements made toward me and zeroing in specifically on what was said to Terrance. Because that was the most blatantly mean and bullying behavior during that phone call. But I can tell you now that I am absolutely dreading the holiday.

I have thought about not going. I have thought about getting there late and leaving early. I have thought about whether this family member might get there late and leave early. I have thought about the anti-anxiety pills I’m going to take before I go. I have thought about starting to drink again and maybe start smoking weed. I have thought about how painfully awkward this will be for Terrance.

But you know what really matters to me? My dad’s going to be there. My brother’s going to be there. My grandparents are going to be there. These are the family members who I have meaningful relationships with. The ones who I see more than just during the holidays and talk with on the phone semi-regularly. We’ve never been a “let’s call each other every day” type of family, so this is actually pretty normal for us. I’ve spent so much time during 2019 repairing relationships and having vulnerable conversations with these people that I want to see them. These are the family members who know that they have a right to tell me their feelings, and talk about it in a respectful way. This particular family member also has a right to tell me their feelings but doesn’t have a right to treat me like a child or tell me how to live my life. And they sure as hell don’t have a right to ask for an apology but shut down the conversation as soon as they are asked to apologize.

If you have family like this or your whole family is like this, I hope you know that you have my utmost support. I also hope you know that there are so many people who are dealing with this stuff during the holidays, and we don’t have to put a lid on it. At least, I’m not putting a lid on it anymore. Shutting down these conversations is a way of continuing to control the narrative. That narrative is, as Taylor Swift so beautifully put it: “Be a good little girl and shut up. Or you’ll be punished.” And she’s also right about one thing: “This is wrong.” I’m not going through life being afraid of punishment from family members anymore. I think in the same way that Jameela Jamil is changing the narrative from “skinny=beautiful” to “I am more than my weight”, I want there to be a cultural movement to stop silencing our family members through manipulation and control.

So if you’re out there, I hope you have someone in your life who is telling you that you’re not crazy. That you’re loved and that it’s unfair for other people to treat you this way. And if you don’t have someone just DM me and I’ll be the person to tell you. Terrance and I are super lucky to have each other as a team, and he was a real MVP by supporting me when he was the main target of those comments. Not to mention the absolute rock star friends and family who responded that night to talk through all of this. But I know that some people are going through this alone. AND if you are reading this thinking, wow, Jesus, I don’t relate to this at all. Please, please, please support your friends or family members who ARE going through this. They are there, and they are struggling, I promise you. You can help them by just listening to their stories. Telling them that you care and you are there for them. Giving advice if they ask for it. Telling them that they are not crazy and this shit is fucked up. And if you (intentionally or not) are the person who did the fucked up thing, apologizing. Just that small love and kindness this holiday season would go a long way. Good luck to everyone as we head into the fray!

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Dashing through the snow, and I don’t fuckin’ play