REAL TALK WITH DANIELLE - On Relationships

Okay, I’m finally doing it. I’m joining the blogosphere. I’ve always had a lot of different interests and there’s no way to address them all in one go, so I think this is the best way to get my thoughts out about whatever is on my mind. From what I’ve gathered, blogs normally have to “target” something. Talk about travel. Talk about food. Talk about puppies. But I like all those things, and a lot more, and I’m sick of conforming. So I’m just going to talk about whatever I feel like, and if you like it, you can read along. My main goal is to just say what I actually feel about things.

This weekend I was at a bachelorette party in Florida. We’re all about 26 or 27 years old and we had a fucking blast. The bride to be is one of my best friends from high school and she loves Harry Potter and Disney, so we themed it that way. The first day, she did a scavenger hunt and followed Harry Potter clues to get to dinner. Her veil says “I Solemnly Swear That I’m Up To No Good” in glittery gold letters. We got matching tank tops and wore them to Disney World the next day. #equalopportunitymagic

Doing this stuff was fun, but the best part about it was hanging out with these girls. I haven’t seen most of them in years, and it was amazing to reconnect so quickly. We were able to talk about real shit that I’m uncomfortable to even write out because of how worried I am about what society thinks, but again, (she reminded herself) this is a real talk blog.

We talked about things like our experiences with being sexually violated, ways that our parents messed us up, and openly discussed our salaries and what we are doing to close the wage gap. Why am I talking about these subjects as if they are a given problem for all of us? Because they absolutely were a given for all of us at this party and we were all open to speaking about it. And because I’m so used to talking with people in this deep way, I get confused when I’m around people who don’t. The worst part is I think I’m the crazy one because I think I’m talking too much about personal stuff. One especially meaningful conversation to me was about how hard it is to make real friendships where we can talk about these things after college. We talked about how work is one of the only avenues to find friends through (besides Bumble BFF). I’ve lived in Boston for 4 years since graduating college, and I have only one person who I can open up to in the way that I open up to these girls and he is my husband.

So what’s the deal? Why can’t I just walk around naked and trade trauma stories and skin care tips with my girls anymore? I think we as a society have become so guarded against creating meaningful connections for a couple of reasons. One, I think once we hit post-college adulthood, we’ve been burned a lot already and we’re not willing to take as many chances on friendships. Two, I think professionalism is a barrier to creating these types of meaningful relationships. Everyone I know agrees that friendships in the workplace make going to work a thousand times easier. But I think the reason that those good friendships either take a very long time to foster or never appear is because we feel threatened by our employers (and ultimately, corporate America). We (understandably) fear that if we are caught “being unprofessional” by gossiping about the client or co-worker that everybody loves to hate, then we risk losing our jobs. I wish that our society could debunk the myth that professionalism means a loss of strong opinions and personality in the workplace. Sure, there’s a line. For example, we don’t want to start shooting off at the mouth DIRECTLY to our clients or supervisors. But it’s absolutely normal to be frustrated with situations at work or home or anywhere and need to get it off our chests, and I really believe that we are suffocating ourselves from the connection that we so desperately desire. Not just in regards to water cooler gossip, but also in regards to significant events like losing a co-worker and feeling stifled from processing it or getting pregnant and not being able to complain about the crappy maternity leave.

On an additional note, I want to share my point of view on talking about real shit as a mental health professional. As a therapist, I frequently hear from my colleagues that the idea of talking about these tough subjects when they get home from work is exhausting and added stress. Okay, yes, I get it. We work our asses off and literally help people who are on the cusp of committing suicide from deciding not to go over the edge on a daily basis. But the real issue is the amount of pressure that mental health organizations put on clinicians to perform at 150%. Even larger than that, is the issue that becoming a mental health professional or social worker is typically financial suicide and usually a career path reserved for people with privilege. Here’s why:

A Guide to Becoming a Mental Health Professional/Social Worker

4 years of undergraduate studies

2 years of graduate school

2 years of unlicensed work that usually pays not very much over the minimum wage

Up to 9 months additional unlicensed work to receive your license

Bi-Annual payments for license plus payment toward required continuing education

*A Radical Acceptance of Crippling Debt Due To All Of The Above*

Which means that there are never enough clinicians, which means that there’s always an absurd ratio of clients to clinicians. I’ve worked in a job where my caseload was 50 people, and I have heard numbers as high as 80 or 90. But I also don’t subscribe to the idea that mental health professionals work so hard that we shouldn’t be talking about real shit outside of our work with clients. In fact, I think it’s a sign that we need to change something about our work if our bandwidth for showing compassion to our clients taps us out of being able to show compassion to our real life friends and family when they need to talk about shit. I don’t know about other therapists, but I got into this work because I LIKE talking about real shit and I LIKE the feeling that happens when I connect with someone because I can really hear and know what’s going on. If I am not able to talk about those things with my friends and family because I’m so tired all the time from work, then I need to change the way I’m working or find another job. Don’t get me wrong. Everyone (even outside the mental health field) needs break time to read a book or Netflix and chill. But everything in moderation.

So I don’t know. I guess that’s my thoughts on my relationships and how I want to live. Basically, I have opinions and passions about a lot of things and I want to be able to share all of that. But I want to be able to share AND I want to be able to be trashy and basic with my girls (or guys!) (or people who don’t conform to the gender binary!). It seems like it’s a paradox or shouldn’t be possible, but it is, and that’s my take. Mic drop.

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